Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
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ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes