… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.