Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
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Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!