Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

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Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*


Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.


Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.


I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.


sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song


ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*


Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm


When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him


Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.