@ChicksRule

Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable

You Might Also Like

@briancthayer

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

@TheDizzyBeauty

Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.

@rickolantern

Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.

@susie_qsie

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

@Shen_the_Bird

sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song

@MikeWTrapp

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

@xofreckles

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

@counterfeitingl

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

@Giddythefuckup

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.