@ChicksRule
@briancthayer Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
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@briancthayer 
@TheDizzyBeauty Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
@rickolantern Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
@susie_qsie I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
@Shen_the_Bird sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
@MikeWTrapp ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
@xofreckles Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
@counterfeitingl When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
@bad2sentence 
@Giddythefuckup Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.