Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”


IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.


[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page


It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes


Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.


“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.


[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*