@Truculent67 I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
@Reverend_Scott Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
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@Truculent67 
@Marmel Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
@salazarsboxing My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
@BuckyIsotope IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
@cameronesposito “If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
@daemonic3 [at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
@Amusitr0n It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
@BobTheSuit Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
@fillthevacuum “Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
@Ideal_Victoria [during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*