Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
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That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.