Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
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Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Expect the unexporcupine.
Cheer up.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Is this the real life?
Is this just
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..