Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
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All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
meow
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Lmfaoooooo
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
A collection of me turning into random objects.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*