“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
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I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.