then why did i get this email
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I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
mood
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Pizza is an emotion right?
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?