THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
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I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
is this a warning or an offer?
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend