Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants

I hate when that happens.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”

“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat first

GUY: But why, pacifically?

ME: Ok I’ve made my choice

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!

Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.

H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

The best plant holders?

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

Truth. 😆😭😮‍💨

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.

“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

“I FIXED IT!”

INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.