Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
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I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…