Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
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My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.