Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
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What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.