therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
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Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My beach vacation Google searches
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.