Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
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Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.