Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”