Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
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“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?