Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
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My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”