Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
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Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Auto correct is my worst enema.