Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
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Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I didn’t realize that was an option
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper