Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
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If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me