Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Raisins are grape jerky.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers