Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.