Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
You Might Also Like
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house