Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
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When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
you stereotypes are all alike
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
ready to be harvested
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.