Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
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“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I put the p in pants.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.