Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
rise and shine we got egg
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro