Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”