Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
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When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
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*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
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6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
whenever they do this I can only imagine athletes are telling each other who they have a crush on
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A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
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*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
😂 amazing answer
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Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is