Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
You Might Also Like
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
socratic questions
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”