Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
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HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.