THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
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Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
yall want some gasoline milk
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.