Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
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Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking