Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
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2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”