THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
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[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.