Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
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Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
The Birdles
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?