Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
My work here is done
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Breakfast for Stoners:
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
mumsnet is amazing
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”