Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
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My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
LOL!
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Not even remotely sorry.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot