Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
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Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
c’mon!
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
hey, alexa
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?