therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
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Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!