therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…