Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
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girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera