Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
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I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me: