THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
You Might Also Like
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Bed should get ready for ME
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.