therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
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When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-