therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
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I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Fiction has to make sense.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.