Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
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If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I love wikipedia
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.