Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

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me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape


Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not


Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.


you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no


[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*


Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.


Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself


It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t