to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
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me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t