Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
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Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ