Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
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My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
the simulation is moving too fast
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.