therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
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Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!